It seems like lately my life has become a broken record.
School, work, worry about the future, homework, sleep repeat. I hate that I am
stuck in a rut yet I rebel against change or even thinking about change for
that matter. Why? Change is the one thing that will get me out of this huge rut
I seem to be in. I am graduating college in six weeks (fingers crossed) and
instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment like I should be feeling; I almost
wish I still had another year so I could sort my life out. I have always known
what I wanted to do and I’ve sought after it. This is a whole new experience
for me, to not know what I will be doing. Alright, that’s kind of a lie. I
THINK I know what I will be doing in the fall, yet the thought scares me more
than anything. My patriarchal blessing hints at a mission but doesn’t come
right out and say it. Which I’m sure is the case for most people. I had never
thought about serving a mission until about a year ago. I don’t even remember
what was really going on in my life at the time, I just know that Kassie and I
both started thinking about serving and we would have long talks about it at
A&W. Ha. We decided to enroll in Mission Prep through the institute last summer.
It was a really good course but the whole time I sat there I felt like kind of
a traitor. Everyone else was receiving their calls and was going. And for me I
was just there because a mission was something I had just started thinking
about. Summer came and went and senior year was staring me in the face. A
mission was put on the back burner and I tried to focus on school and getting
everything sorted out so I could graduate on time. I found a place to do my
practicum (that I was even hired onto and get paid for) and everything seemed
to be falling into place. Honestly the whole mission idea hadn’t crossed my
mind at all… until around January. Since then I have fought it every step of
the way and have come up with several reasons (justifications) why I shouldn’t
go. Here are just a few:
* Financially it’s not really that reasonable for me. I mean
we are in a recession after all, and jobs are hard to come by. I have one and I
shouldn’t take it for granted. Sure, Grandma has offered to pay for it and my
parents are willing to help, but shouldn’t I be saving my money?
* I wouldn’t be able to see people or talk to them for a
year and a half. I love my friends and family dearly and I don’t want to miss
out. Surely Jen and Orie will have a kid or two by then. Also, Jaylin, Zeke,
and Zade will have grown so much and they won’t even remember their favorite
aunt Jojo. Not to mention the few single friends I have left will probably get
married while I’m gone.
* I don’t want to turn into that person that raises their hand
over everything and starts out with “Well on my mission…” There’s a girl in my
institute class like this and I find myself rolling my eyes and wanting to bop
her on the head every time she raises her hand to make a comment.
* My worldly possession (Yep, I’m gonna sound extremely vain
here). I live in a super cute house and am I really willing to give up my spot?
I have a hard time parting with my laptop (Dierk) for a few days let alone a
year and a half. I have also recently purchased an Ipod touch that I’m in love
with. Which part of me is secretly hoping I will be able to take it with me, it
does have the scriptures and hymns on it after all :)
Ha and my list could go on for a while I’m sure but we will
stop there. Now, for the reasons I should go:
* It’s what I NEED to do. As much as even the
thought of it scares me, I feel that it is what I should be doing. And really
that’s all that matters. I know Heavenly Father directs our paths and He will
help me through it.
My scripture for the week: D&C 45:62 “For verily I say
unto you, that great things await you.” I thought this was very fitting.
Oh, what sparked this little tangent you may ask? Jen had me
read one of her friend’s blog posts about how she didn’t want to serve a
mission and she fought it but she knew it was what she was supposed to do. And
she said it was the best thing for her. So, that was reassuring and I could
definitely relate. Ha she also talked about how she wanted to marry a cowboy
but ended up with a guy that didn’t listen to country music and had never even
heard of Carhartt. Ha I refuse to have that part be my future though :)
