There are moments in our lives that define us. Moments that we know we will forever be changed by. Last Sunday I had one of these moments. I stumbled out of the chapel in my heels bawling my eyes out, hurrying home before anyone detected what an utter mess I was. Finally, I arrived at our apartment door only to realize I didn't have a key. Distraught, I sat bawling on our doorstep waiting for Jaxon to arrive home and let me in. Crumpled up on our Welcome mat I sobbed. What lead to this emotional outburst? What caused me to flee church? Lets rewind a couple of months.
April 8, 2017
Jaxon and I's wedding day. Wow, what an emotional day it was! In some regards I feel like I need to apologize to my guests for the drama they witnessed. A little background knowledge: Picking a wedding date was difficult for us. Between the two of us we had three sisters who were pregnant that we tried to work around their due dates- which newsflash babies come when they want to! Ha. Add to that, my job only allows for 2 days off of work. These factors made it nearly impossible to please everyone. After much deliberation (with our immediate families) and prayer we chose April 8th. Not a big deal, right? Wrong!
So, after the marriage ceremony they allowed our guests to come up and congratulate us. (Due to Jaxon's oldest sister having a baby the day prior, Jaxon's mom made the decision not to come to our wedding). While "congratulating" us there was an aunt who whispered some things into our ears to the affect that it was our fault his mom wasn't there. From somewhere deep inside, I let out a gut-wrenching cry. It was almost as if my soul was crying out- what a stark contrast from the joy and peace I had just been experiencing. I cried. a lot. I was crying when we exited the temple, when we took pictures, and when we greeted our guests at the reception.
Weeks later I was informed of a rumor that was going around. I cried again. I was being accused of pushing said aunt and swearing at her in the temple. Which is a bold face lie that has continuously been perpetuated. Fact: several weeks after our wedding I did message her and tell her to burn in hell. And I don't regret it at all. It wasn't a 'heat of the moment' decision. It was a way for me to stand up for myself and not allow for this to continue.
What lead to my emotional outburst on the doorstep? Why was I so upset months later? His parents had asked us to make amends with said aunt. They basically demanded that Jaxon apologize and make things right because she's "family." To me this was utterly wrong and terrible to ask of their child who was the victim. I am not a person who feels you should be mistreated under the pretenses of "family" that is how abuse happens and continues to be perpetuated. Yes, forgiveness can and should take place- absolutely! But that does not happen under the manipulation of forced apologies. It happens when there is a sincere change of heart- which cannot be forced.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Monday, March 13, 2017
Today
I'm always amazed at what just a couple of months can do. The last time I blogged was the end of July and I never wouldn't guessed by October that I would meet my now fiancé. I've said it several times and I'll say it again- The Lord has such a funny sense of humor. That being said- Jaxon and I met on Farmers Only- cause ya know "You don't have to be lonely at FarmersOnly.com" Only kidding! But that would have made your whole day if that was true, huh? Well our story isn't far off. In fact I hated our meeting story so much I almost didn't give him a chance... And the several people who knew we were dating didn't know the real story. I told everyone that we had mutual friends- which was true-the internet :)
-Jaxon and I were both working full-time and wrapped up in our own lives. I had a friend from Boise (Adriana) and her co-worker (Meghan) come to visit the end of September. They were both on Bumble and convinced me to join it for merely 1 day. I lessened my pride a bit and gave it a whooping 24 hours (cause ya know the Lord knows I have limits) haha! I never wouldn't guessed that just in that amount of time so much would be brought about. Jaxon and I started talking daily and he asked me out on a date within a week. We hit it off immediately and have pretty much been inseparable ever since. "Mr. Goes to Church on Sunday" was naughty and even kissed me on our first date. Whoops! Haha! We said "I love you" within a couple weeks (he said it first), but I found out a few days later that he says it to everyone including the bum on the street (yes his words not mine) cue our first fight- haha! We learned quite quickly that we didn't want to be with anyone else. After driving around with the ring sitting in his cup holder for a few days (he's many things but subtle is not one of them) he proposed on December 31st. It still seems crazy to me that we will be getting married in a few weeks. It's funny how life works out. The cliché "it's DIFFERENT with this one" is completely utterly true. It's hard to explain fully until you go through it. In so many ways it's harder than I thought it would be, but in so many ways it better than I could've imagined. He can make me the angriest but also the happiest. I went from having a social life to only wanting to spend time with him (which was a definite adjustment for me). We spend a lot of time together and on his days off he volunteers in my classroom. All of the students first greet me and then immediately ask where Jaxon is. It's a good thing I'm pretty awesome- otherwise I might be jealous over that... but I guess the fact that he's a "Gosh Dang American Icon" is pretty cool... And I'm quite partial to him too.
-Jaxon and I were both working full-time and wrapped up in our own lives. I had a friend from Boise (Adriana) and her co-worker (Meghan) come to visit the end of September. They were both on Bumble and convinced me to join it for merely 1 day. I lessened my pride a bit and gave it a whooping 24 hours (cause ya know the Lord knows I have limits) haha! I never wouldn't guessed that just in that amount of time so much would be brought about. Jaxon and I started talking daily and he asked me out on a date within a week. We hit it off immediately and have pretty much been inseparable ever since. "Mr. Goes to Church on Sunday" was naughty and even kissed me on our first date. Whoops! Haha! We said "I love you" within a couple weeks (he said it first), but I found out a few days later that he says it to everyone including the bum on the street (yes his words not mine) cue our first fight- haha! We learned quite quickly that we didn't want to be with anyone else. After driving around with the ring sitting in his cup holder for a few days (he's many things but subtle is not one of them) he proposed on December 31st. It still seems crazy to me that we will be getting married in a few weeks. It's funny how life works out. The cliché "it's DIFFERENT with this one" is completely utterly true. It's hard to explain fully until you go through it. In so many ways it's harder than I thought it would be, but in so many ways it better than I could've imagined. He can make me the angriest but also the happiest. I went from having a social life to only wanting to spend time with him (which was a definite adjustment for me). We spend a lot of time together and on his days off he volunteers in my classroom. All of the students first greet me and then immediately ask where Jaxon is. It's a good thing I'm pretty awesome- otherwise I might be jealous over that... but I guess the fact that he's a "Gosh Dang American Icon" is pretty cool... And I'm quite partial to him too.
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