It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To

July 24th to July 25th is only a mere 24 hours. 24 hours shouldn't make that much of an impact on my life, after all it's only 1 day. However, for me it meant going from age 26 to age 27. Or in my mind going from my mid 20's to my late 20's. It has been an extremely rough day for me. 27 is the loneliest number. I always pictured that by 27 I would be married and have a child or 2. And why not? Many of my peers do, it wasn't wrong for me to presume I would follow suit. But here I sit single and dare I say lonely? I hate using that word-lonely- there's such a negative connotation that goes with it. For me it falls into the category of weakness or vulnerability. But that is how I feel and I shouldn't be ashamed to voice it. In fact when people ask me about being single I almost feel like I have to apologize to them for it. Umm sorry I haven't met the right person. Sorry I haven't started a family. Sorry I'm still just taking care of myself. Sorry, sorry, sorry... It's human nature to desire companionship and love. Many genres of music, television, and books all depict this innate human need to show love and be loved in return. In fact according to The Beatles "All You Need Is Love." It isn't wrong of me to want this too. Thankfully I am a fiercely independent person. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed to be in order for me to continue on without getting discouraged. Most days I'm okay with it and I try my best to cherish my "single" moments. The moments I know I would miss if I was settled down with a family. I'm one that has to have alone time in order to stay sane and not go bat shit crazy. I enjoy spending time with myself. I have no qualms about going to movies by myself or other things. I thoroughly enjoy my own company. That being said it doesn't mean that I don't struggle with being single at times or that I am afraid that I'm not progressing. So, today I can be sad because "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" but tomorrow I will hold my head high and continue to look to the future with faith and optimism.            

Wasted Time

Music has a powerful way of recalling memories vividly; to the point that you can almost see, smell and feel everything. Currently my theme song is "Wasted Time" by Keith Urban. My favorite line is "Ain't it funny how the best days of my life was all that wasted time." This summer has been a much-needed change. When it first started out I wasn't certain of my future plans. I knew that something needed to give, but I wasn't sure what exactly that would entail. Life has a funny way of working itself out just when you start to think it never will. One of the greatest things about this summer is that I haven't had much of a daily schedule. It has been nice to be able to relax and accomplish things on my time. This was a major adjustment for me (the scheduler that I am) to be okay with. It goes back to feeling shame for being human and NEEDING to slow down and recuperate. I thought, "Ain't nobody got time for that." But for the first time since I can remember I did have time for that and more importantly I needed to make time for it. It's amazing how when you strip away the feelings of shame how much relief you can feel. It can completely change your outlook on life. So, I went from viewing my time as being "wasted" to view it as time to "heal." Don't want to do my hair today? Great! Don't want to do my makeup either? Even better! Don't worry I still shower. haha! And most days I do wear makeup and style my hair but the point is that I don't have to. It isn't always necessary and I don't need to feel guilty if I don't get ready that day :) I'm feeling more and more like myself again. I don't think I even realized how depressed I had been until things started to change. The end of June I interviewed for a job in Salt Lake and when I walked out of the interview I felt a great sense of hope. Something I didn't realize until that moment, had been seriously lacking in my life. It felt amazing and a little foreign. Now here I am a month later preparing to move to Salt Lake in August to start this new career. I have accepted  a Teaching position and Case Manager position through Salt Lake Community Action Program (Salt Lake CAP). I will be a Lead Teacher for their Head Start program and I will be working one-on-one with these children and their families in their home. I will provide assessments and resources where needed. I saw my classroom for the first time a few weeks ago, and I got so ridiculously excited! Everything has just fallen into place including a good ward (Which Juju is in), housing, furniture (Thanks Emma), and a roommate. I will be living with a former mission companion McKenna Jewell. We loved being companions and get along great! I will also be living a lot closer to friends and family. Regrettably, summer is nearly over, but I'm looking forward to what fall has in store for me.

Here are just a few snapshots of what my summer has looked like:

Took the niece and nephews to "Finding Dory"

and swimming

met my new niece Emma

and Kaylee

Went to Bear Lake for Katie's 25th

Hiked Cascade Falls

My cute little classroom