There are moments in our lives that define us. Moments that we know we will forever be changed by. Last Sunday I had one of these moments. I stumbled out of the chapel in my heels bawling my eyes out, hurrying home before anyone detected what an utter mess I was. Finally, I arrived at our apartment door only to realize I didn't have a key. Distraught, I sat bawling on our doorstep waiting for Jaxon to arrive home and let me in. Crumpled up on our Welcome mat I sobbed. What lead to this emotional outburst? What caused me to flee church? Lets rewind a couple of months.
April 8, 2017
Jaxon and I's wedding day. Wow, what an emotional day it was! In some regards I feel like I need to apologize to my guests for the drama they witnessed. A little background knowledge: Picking a wedding date was difficult for us. Between the two of us we had three sisters who were pregnant that we tried to work around their due dates- which newsflash babies come when they want to! Ha. Add to that, my job only allows for 2 days off of work. These factors made it nearly impossible to please everyone. After much deliberation (with our immediate families) and prayer we chose April 8th. Not a big deal, right? Wrong!
So, after the marriage ceremony they allowed our guests to come up and congratulate us. (Due to Jaxon's oldest sister having a baby the day prior, Jaxon's mom made the decision not to come to our wedding). While "congratulating" us there was an aunt who whispered some things into our ears to the affect that it was our fault his mom wasn't there. From somewhere deep inside, I let out a gut-wrenching cry. It was almost as if my soul was crying out- what a stark contrast from the joy and peace I had just been experiencing. I cried. a lot. I was crying when we exited the temple, when we took pictures, and when we greeted our guests at the reception.
Weeks later I was informed of a rumor that was going around. I cried again. I was being accused of pushing said aunt and swearing at her in the temple. Which is a bold face lie that has continuously been perpetuated. Fact: several weeks after our wedding I did message her and tell her to burn in hell. And I don't regret it at all. It wasn't a 'heat of the moment' decision. It was a way for me to stand up for myself and not allow for this to continue.
What lead to my emotional outburst on the doorstep? Why was I so upset months later? His parents had asked us to make amends with said aunt. They basically demanded that Jaxon apologize and make things right because she's "family." To me this was utterly wrong and terrible to ask of their child who was the victim. I am not a person who feels you should be mistreated under the pretenses of "family" that is how abuse happens and continues to be perpetuated. Yes, forgiveness can and should take place- absolutely! But that does not happen under the manipulation of forced apologies. It happens when there is a sincere change of heart- which cannot be forced.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Monday, March 13, 2017
Today
I'm always amazed at what just a couple of months can do. The last time I blogged was the end of July and I never wouldn't guessed by October that I would meet my now fiancé. I've said it several times and I'll say it again- The Lord has such a funny sense of humor. That being said- Jaxon and I met on Farmers Only- cause ya know "You don't have to be lonely at FarmersOnly.com" Only kidding! But that would have made your whole day if that was true, huh? Well our story isn't far off. In fact I hated our meeting story so much I almost didn't give him a chance... And the several people who knew we were dating didn't know the real story. I told everyone that we had mutual friends- which was true-the internet :)
-Jaxon and I were both working full-time and wrapped up in our own lives. I had a friend from Boise (Adriana) and her co-worker (Meghan) come to visit the end of September. They were both on Bumble and convinced me to join it for merely 1 day. I lessened my pride a bit and gave it a whooping 24 hours (cause ya know the Lord knows I have limits) haha! I never wouldn't guessed that just in that amount of time so much would be brought about. Jaxon and I started talking daily and he asked me out on a date within a week. We hit it off immediately and have pretty much been inseparable ever since. "Mr. Goes to Church on Sunday" was naughty and even kissed me on our first date. Whoops! Haha! We said "I love you" within a couple weeks (he said it first), but I found out a few days later that he says it to everyone including the bum on the street (yes his words not mine) cue our first fight- haha! We learned quite quickly that we didn't want to be with anyone else. After driving around with the ring sitting in his cup holder for a few days (he's many things but subtle is not one of them) he proposed on December 31st. It still seems crazy to me that we will be getting married in a few weeks. It's funny how life works out. The cliché "it's DIFFERENT with this one" is completely utterly true. It's hard to explain fully until you go through it. In so many ways it's harder than I thought it would be, but in so many ways it better than I could've imagined. He can make me the angriest but also the happiest. I went from having a social life to only wanting to spend time with him (which was a definite adjustment for me). We spend a lot of time together and on his days off he volunteers in my classroom. All of the students first greet me and then immediately ask where Jaxon is. It's a good thing I'm pretty awesome- otherwise I might be jealous over that... but I guess the fact that he's a "Gosh Dang American Icon" is pretty cool... And I'm quite partial to him too.
-Jaxon and I were both working full-time and wrapped up in our own lives. I had a friend from Boise (Adriana) and her co-worker (Meghan) come to visit the end of September. They were both on Bumble and convinced me to join it for merely 1 day. I lessened my pride a bit and gave it a whooping 24 hours (cause ya know the Lord knows I have limits) haha! I never wouldn't guessed that just in that amount of time so much would be brought about. Jaxon and I started talking daily and he asked me out on a date within a week. We hit it off immediately and have pretty much been inseparable ever since. "Mr. Goes to Church on Sunday" was naughty and even kissed me on our first date. Whoops! Haha! We said "I love you" within a couple weeks (he said it first), but I found out a few days later that he says it to everyone including the bum on the street (yes his words not mine) cue our first fight- haha! We learned quite quickly that we didn't want to be with anyone else. After driving around with the ring sitting in his cup holder for a few days (he's many things but subtle is not one of them) he proposed on December 31st. It still seems crazy to me that we will be getting married in a few weeks. It's funny how life works out. The cliché "it's DIFFERENT with this one" is completely utterly true. It's hard to explain fully until you go through it. In so many ways it's harder than I thought it would be, but in so many ways it better than I could've imagined. He can make me the angriest but also the happiest. I went from having a social life to only wanting to spend time with him (which was a definite adjustment for me). We spend a lot of time together and on his days off he volunteers in my classroom. All of the students first greet me and then immediately ask where Jaxon is. It's a good thing I'm pretty awesome- otherwise I might be jealous over that... but I guess the fact that he's a "Gosh Dang American Icon" is pretty cool... And I'm quite partial to him too.
Monday, July 25, 2016
It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To
July 24th to July 25th is only a mere 24 hours. 24 hours shouldn't make that much of an impact on my life, after all it's only 1 day. However, for me it meant going from age 26 to age 27. Or in my mind going from my mid 20's to my late 20's. It has been an extremely rough day for me. 27 is the loneliest number. I always pictured that by 27 I would be married and have a child or 2. And why not? Many of my peers do, it wasn't wrong for me to presume I would follow suit. But here I sit single and dare I say lonely? I hate using that word-lonely- there's such a negative connotation that goes with it. For me it falls into the category of weakness or vulnerability. But that is how I feel and I shouldn't be ashamed to voice it. In fact when people ask me about being single I almost feel like I have to apologize to them for it. Umm sorry I haven't met the right person. Sorry I haven't started a family. Sorry I'm still just taking care of myself. Sorry, sorry, sorry... It's human nature to desire companionship and love. Many genres of music, television, and books all depict this innate human need to show love and be loved in return. In fact according to The Beatles "All You Need Is Love." It isn't wrong of me to want this too. Thankfully I am a fiercely independent person. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed to be in order for me to continue on without getting discouraged. Most days I'm okay with it and I try my best to cherish my "single" moments. The moments I know I would miss if I was settled down with a family. I'm one that has to have alone time in order to stay sane and not go bat shit crazy. I enjoy spending time with myself. I have no qualms about going to movies by myself or other things. I thoroughly enjoy my own company. That being said it doesn't mean that I don't struggle with being single at times or that I am afraid that I'm not progressing. So, today I can be sad because "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" but tomorrow I will hold my head high and continue to look to the future with faith and optimism. 
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Wasted Time
Music has a powerful way of recalling memories vividly; to the point that you can almost see, smell and feel everything. Currently my theme song is "Wasted Time" by Keith Urban. My favorite line is "Ain't it funny how the best days of my life was all that wasted time." This summer has been a much-needed change. When it first started out I wasn't certain of my future plans. I knew that something needed to give, but I wasn't sure what exactly that would entail. Life has a funny way of working itself out just when you start to think it never will. One of the greatest things about this summer is that I haven't had much of a daily schedule. It has been nice to be able to relax and accomplish things on my time. This was a major adjustment for me (the scheduler that I am) to be okay with. It goes back to feeling shame for being human and NEEDING to slow down and recuperate. I thought, "Ain't nobody got time for that." But for the first time since I can remember I did have time for that and more importantly I needed to make time for it. It's amazing how when you strip away the feelings of shame how much relief you can feel. It can completely change your outlook on life. So, I went from viewing my time as being "wasted" to view it as time to "heal." Don't want to do my hair today? Great! Don't want to do my makeup either? Even better! Don't worry I still shower. haha! And most days I do wear makeup and style my hair but the point is that I don't have to. It isn't always necessary and I don't need to feel guilty if I don't get ready that day :) I'm feeling more and more like myself again. I don't think I even realized how depressed I had been until things started to change. The end of June I interviewed for a job in Salt Lake and when I walked out of the interview I felt a great sense of hope. Something I didn't realize until that moment, had been seriously lacking in my life. It felt amazing and a little foreign. Now here I am a month later preparing to move to Salt Lake in August to start this new career. I have accepted a Teaching position and Case Manager position through Salt Lake Community Action Program (Salt Lake CAP). I will be a Lead Teacher for their Head Start program and I will be working one-on-one with these children and their families in their home. I will provide assessments and resources where needed. I saw my classroom for the first time a few weeks ago, and I got so ridiculously excited! Everything has just fallen into place including a good ward (Which Juju is in), housing, furniture (Thanks Emma), and a roommate. I will be living with a former mission companion McKenna Jewell. We loved being companions and get along great! I will also be living a lot closer to friends and family. Regrettably, summer is nearly over, but I'm looking forward to what fall has in store for me.
Here are just a few snapshots of what my summer has looked like:
Here are just a few snapshots of what my summer has looked like:
Took the niece and nephews to "Finding Dory"
and swimming
met my new niece Emma
and Kaylee
Went to Bear Lake for Katie's 25th
Hiked Cascade Falls
My cute little classroom
Friday, June 3, 2016
Goodbye Idaho it Has Been Great, But Utah is Calling And I Must Go
Goodbyes are not my favorite. In fact they rank quite low on my list; somewhere between sunburnt shoulders and crying in public.This past week I have had several goodbyes. Goodbye to seeing my extended family on a regular basis, goodbye to amazing shopping, goodbye to co-workers, and goodbye to clients who have become quite dear to my heart. In fact one client in particular starting bawling when I told her I was leaving. Which was quite a feat because for the past 2 years we have been working on showing empathy and emotions. So, you can imagine my surprise when she was distraught over my leaving. I will admit I was emotional about leaving her as well. It's funny how they tell you not to get attached, but somehow you find yourself doing it anyway. It's a beautiful thing when a career and a passion come together. However, for some time now I've known that I needed to leave Idaho. I understand that it's selfish on my part- putting my needs before anything else. I also know, that in order for me to live a full life I had to leave. Again not because I hated my life there (because I didn't), but because I was only surviving. I'm about to get quite real here so if you aren't ready for that now is the time to stop reading. And trust me I won't be offended at all. This post is not intended to be a "Woe is me" "Feel bad and pity Jody" post, but to be completely honest and open about things. For me to get onto paper what is going on in my life, so I can somehow make sense of it all. Fact: I have been struggling with depression for over 2 years. Fact: I have been on medication for it. Fact: Lately, I feel like I don't want to exist. Not in the "hide the razor blades and be careful what you say to me" way. But in the "I'm exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally type of way." Yes, I get that life is hard and it is intended to be that way. But this extends to more than that. It extends to "I can't do this anymore, life has lost it's meaning, I'm numb emotionally" type of way. Deep down I knew that if I didn't change something in my life, that I wouldn't find motivation to accomplish much more. This coming from a head-strong, I know what I want, life is incredible, person. It's hard when others acknowledge that I'm not who I used to be anymore- that I've lost my enthusiasm for life. The hardest part of that being is that I know it's all true. I miss the happy-go-lucky person that I was- and that I know I can be again. So, that is the main reason I moved back to Utah. I need to be around people who love and support me. I need to be around others that help bring out the real me because she is worth fighting for. So, what's next? I moved home to Cedar City on Wednesday. The plan is to complete my teaching certificate this summer and enjoy spending time with my family. Right now I'm taking everything in stride and trying to live by this quote-
I'm going to miss these humans
especially this one... He has been my rock and has gotten me through some tough times.
I'm going to miss these humans
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Turning Home
Confession: I have become the worst at making decisions. Seriously, I'm awful at it. What used to be a strength has now become a weakness. I no longer have my life mapped out like I used to. It's equally terrifying and confusing. I flip-flop every 2 seconds and am unsure about a lot of things.
Living Arrangements: I've now been in Idaho for 2 years. Isn't that crazy? And I've moved around several times since I've been here. I've lived in Caldwell, Meridian, North Boise, Nampa, and then back to Caldwell and Meridian. Yes, all of that in 2 short years. I've become an expert packer and minimalist- so that's something! In fact for the last month all of my stuff has been in a storage unit, and I've been living out of 2 suitcases.
Career: I LOVE my occupation and to be perfectly honest, I'm quite fantastic at it. I pour my heart and soul into my clients and MOST days it is very rewarding. Working for a counseling agency and my placement at Gateways Elementary has been a perfect fit. One of my main purposes in life is to be an advocate for children. "People would do better if they knew better," and that's where I come in. I'm assisting children who haven't been taught better or at times have been cast aside and given up on. I thrive at my job (probably because I'm good at telling others how to live their lives). Haha!
Church Callings: The entire time I've been here I've held some sort of calling in Relief Society. I am currently the Relief Society President in my YSA ward. I. love. it. It has been such a joy getting to know the sisters and hearing their stories. The cheesy cliché we hear repeatedly, "I love all of you even if I don't know you very well," is in fact true. It comes with the calling. Heavenly Father allows us to feel a glimpse of what He feels for them. It's actually quite remarkable.
Social/Dating: Have I dated? Yes. Have any of them worked out? Yes, exactly how they needed to... which is why I'm still single :) I am a firm believer that you learn something invaluable from every relationship, and I can honestly say that has happened. Friendships have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I've made several dear friends that I know I will always keep in touch with. We've laughed uncontrollably and have had many adventures. On the flip side I've struggled with friendships in the last 2 years more than I ever have before. Part of this is because BSU doesn't mix well with my beloved Utah State Aggies :)
Family: Growing up in Southern Utah I maybe saw the extended family a few times a year. Most family vacations consisted of visiting Idaho and seeing the cousins, but I didn't have the frequent contact that I currently have. It has been great spending a lot of time with my aunt, uncles, and cousins. However, my immediate family is a long, dull 600 miles away.
Reoccurring Thoughts: Am I progressing? Am I too comfortable with my life? If I don't leave now will I ever? Is it time for me to move on? Do I see myself in Idaho for the rest of my life? Though, I may be confused on a lot of other things; the answer to the last question is a resounding NO! I've always known that I will eventually be back in Utah. Not because I can't live far from home nor do I hate my life in Idaho; but because Utah (Cache Valley more specifically) is where I belong. They are my people and I am myself there. So, I've made the decision to turn home. Frankly, I'm freaking out that I'm quitting my job (that I LOVE) and leaving without one. But, I know it's what needs to happen...So, ready or not, here I go!
Living Arrangements: I've now been in Idaho for 2 years. Isn't that crazy? And I've moved around several times since I've been here. I've lived in Caldwell, Meridian, North Boise, Nampa, and then back to Caldwell and Meridian. Yes, all of that in 2 short years. I've become an expert packer and minimalist- so that's something! In fact for the last month all of my stuff has been in a storage unit, and I've been living out of 2 suitcases.
Career: I LOVE my occupation and to be perfectly honest, I'm quite fantastic at it. I pour my heart and soul into my clients and MOST days it is very rewarding. Working for a counseling agency and my placement at Gateways Elementary has been a perfect fit. One of my main purposes in life is to be an advocate for children. "People would do better if they knew better," and that's where I come in. I'm assisting children who haven't been taught better or at times have been cast aside and given up on. I thrive at my job (probably because I'm good at telling others how to live their lives). Haha!
Church Callings: The entire time I've been here I've held some sort of calling in Relief Society. I am currently the Relief Society President in my YSA ward. I. love. it. It has been such a joy getting to know the sisters and hearing their stories. The cheesy cliché we hear repeatedly, "I love all of you even if I don't know you very well," is in fact true. It comes with the calling. Heavenly Father allows us to feel a glimpse of what He feels for them. It's actually quite remarkable.
Social/Dating: Have I dated? Yes. Have any of them worked out? Yes, exactly how they needed to... which is why I'm still single :) I am a firm believer that you learn something invaluable from every relationship, and I can honestly say that has happened. Friendships have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I've made several dear friends that I know I will always keep in touch with. We've laughed uncontrollably and have had many adventures. On the flip side I've struggled with friendships in the last 2 years more than I ever have before. Part of this is because BSU doesn't mix well with my beloved Utah State Aggies :)
Family: Growing up in Southern Utah I maybe saw the extended family a few times a year. Most family vacations consisted of visiting Idaho and seeing the cousins, but I didn't have the frequent contact that I currently have. It has been great spending a lot of time with my aunt, uncles, and cousins. However, my immediate family is a long, dull 600 miles away.
Reoccurring Thoughts: Am I progressing? Am I too comfortable with my life? If I don't leave now will I ever? Is it time for me to move on? Do I see myself in Idaho for the rest of my life? Though, I may be confused on a lot of other things; the answer to the last question is a resounding NO! I've always known that I will eventually be back in Utah. Not because I can't live far from home nor do I hate my life in Idaho; but because Utah (Cache Valley more specifically) is where I belong. They are my people and I am myself there. So, I've made the decision to turn home. Frankly, I'm freaking out that I'm quitting my job (that I LOVE) and leaving without one. But, I know it's what needs to happen...So, ready or not, here I go!
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Sweet Summer time!
Hi Friends!
I kept feeling like I needed to blog. I have had several drafts written since I last wrote, but I just couldn't seem to get in right. So, here goes! When I first moved to Idaho it was because of a job offer I accepted in Emmett/Payette. I worked for that particular agency for about two months before I quit. I wasn't getting the hours I needed and it was a long drive (commuting from Meridian to Payette). And quite honestly I was not made to help rehabilitate adults! Haha I have no patience for them :) But the Lord definitely guides our lives because I accepted an even better job in Nampa working with children. I have been with CenterPointe since the middle of June, and I have LOVED it! I am a Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist (PSRS) which is just a fancy term for "bossing kids around and teaching/telling them how to live their lives." I have clients that I work with in the community, as well as, clients that I work with in school. I'm working at Gateways Elementary which is an alternative school for children with severe behaviors. Most of the clients we work with have experienced severe trauma (generally abuse in some form), and we help them work through it. I love it so much- I get 3 recesses a day! What could be better? But that's enough about work. I had a blast this summer! Seriously, I was fortunate enough to only work about 10 hours a week this summer and I pretty much spent the rest of my time playing.
The end of June we had a family reunion in Eastern Idaho near Jackson Hole.
I spent the 4th of July with Kassie and her sweet family! It truly was the perfect day!
Joshua and I on the 4th- this boy melts my heart
I spent my 25th birthday at a David Nail concert. Yes, you read that right I am now extremely old. Ha but the concert was amazing and it was ONLY $5!
Continuing my birthday weekend festivities I was in the front row at the Josh Turner concert. Two concerts in two days- it was the best!
I went to Logan the beginning of August for Josh's 1st birthday
Best friend reunion in Logan. Love these girls! "I never seem to laugh now like I did with them"- Turning Home by David Nail- great song! Listen to it!
Saw Thompson Square the middle of August at the Western Idaho State Fair
Rode a Ferris Wheel for the 1st time too!
And I spent Labor Day in Blackfoot with Britt, Brad, and the kids. We took them to Ross Park and Zeke was a WILD man! Haha he absolutely loved it!
Jen and Orie spent a week in Boise as well, but sadly we didn't take any pictures. I love summer and I'm sad to see it go. However, I am loving football season thus far. I love watching my Aggies play! Ha it doesn't mix well with the local BSU crowd, though :)
*August 26th was my 6 months home from my mission mark. I can't believe it has been that long. I think about it every single day! I will forever be grateful to the Lord for allowing me to serve. Life is crazy but I wouldn't have it any other way!
I kept feeling like I needed to blog. I have had several drafts written since I last wrote, but I just couldn't seem to get in right. So, here goes! When I first moved to Idaho it was because of a job offer I accepted in Emmett/Payette. I worked for that particular agency for about two months before I quit. I wasn't getting the hours I needed and it was a long drive (commuting from Meridian to Payette). And quite honestly I was not made to help rehabilitate adults! Haha I have no patience for them :) But the Lord definitely guides our lives because I accepted an even better job in Nampa working with children. I have been with CenterPointe since the middle of June, and I have LOVED it! I am a Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist (PSRS) which is just a fancy term for "bossing kids around and teaching/telling them how to live their lives." I have clients that I work with in the community, as well as, clients that I work with in school. I'm working at Gateways Elementary which is an alternative school for children with severe behaviors. Most of the clients we work with have experienced severe trauma (generally abuse in some form), and we help them work through it. I love it so much- I get 3 recesses a day! What could be better? But that's enough about work. I had a blast this summer! Seriously, I was fortunate enough to only work about 10 hours a week this summer and I pretty much spent the rest of my time playing.
The end of June we had a family reunion in Eastern Idaho near Jackson Hole.
I spent the 4th of July with Kassie and her sweet family! It truly was the perfect day!
Joshua and I on the 4th- this boy melts my heart
I spent my 25th birthday at a David Nail concert. Yes, you read that right I am now extremely old. Ha but the concert was amazing and it was ONLY $5!
Continuing my birthday weekend festivities I was in the front row at the Josh Turner concert. Two concerts in two days- it was the best!
I went to Logan the beginning of August for Josh's 1st birthday
Best friend reunion in Logan. Love these girls! "I never seem to laugh now like I did with them"- Turning Home by David Nail- great song! Listen to it!
Saw Thompson Square the middle of August at the Western Idaho State Fair
Rode a Ferris Wheel for the 1st time too!
And I spent Labor Day in Blackfoot with Britt, Brad, and the kids. We took them to Ross Park and Zeke was a WILD man! Haha he absolutely loved it!
Jen and Orie spent a week in Boise as well, but sadly we didn't take any pictures. I love summer and I'm sad to see it go. However, I am loving football season thus far. I love watching my Aggies play! Ha it doesn't mix well with the local BSU crowd, though :)
*August 26th was my 6 months home from my mission mark. I can't believe it has been that long. I think about it every single day! I will forever be grateful to the Lord for allowing me to serve. Life is crazy but I wouldn't have it any other way!
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