There are moments in our lives that define us. Moments that we know we will forever be changed by. Last Sunday I had one of these moments. I stumbled out of the chapel in my heels bawling my eyes out, hurrying home before anyone detected what an utter mess I was. Finally, I arrived at our apartment door only to realize I didn't have a key. Distraught, I sat bawling on our doorstep waiting for Jaxon to arrive home and let me in. Crumpled up on our Welcome mat I sobbed. What lead to this emotional outburst? What caused me to flee church? Lets rewind a couple of months.
April 8, 2017
Jaxon and I's wedding day. Wow, what an emotional day it was! In some regards I feel like I need to apologize to my guests for the drama they witnessed. A little background knowledge: Picking a wedding date was difficult for us. Between the two of us we had three sisters who were pregnant that we tried to work around their due dates- which newsflash babies come when they want to! Ha. Add to that, my job only allows for 2 days off of work. These factors made it nearly impossible to please everyone. After much deliberation (with our immediate families) and prayer we chose April 8th. Not a big deal, right? Wrong!
So, after the marriage ceremony they allowed our guests to come up and congratulate us. (Due to Jaxon's oldest sister having a baby the day prior, Jaxon's mom made the decision not to come to our wedding). While "congratulating" us there was an aunt who whispered some things into our ears to the affect that it was our fault his mom wasn't there. From somewhere deep inside, I let out a gut-wrenching cry. It was almost as if my soul was crying out- what a stark contrast from the joy and peace I had just been experiencing. I cried. a lot. I was crying when we exited the temple, when we took pictures, and when we greeted our guests at the reception.
Weeks later I was informed of a rumor that was going around. I cried again. I was being accused of pushing said aunt and swearing at her in the temple. Which is a bold face lie that has continuously been perpetuated. Fact: several weeks after our wedding I did message her and tell her to burn in hell. And I don't regret it at all. It wasn't a 'heat of the moment' decision. It was a way for me to stand up for myself and not allow for this to continue.
What lead to my emotional outburst on the doorstep? Why was I so upset months later? His parents had asked us to make amends with said aunt. They basically demanded that Jaxon apologize and make things right because she's "family." To me this was utterly wrong and terrible to ask of their child who was the victim. I am not a person who feels you should be mistreated under the pretenses of "family" that is how abuse happens and continues to be perpetuated. Yes, forgiveness can and should take place- absolutely! But that does not happen under the manipulation of forced apologies. It happens when there is a sincere change of heart- which cannot be forced.
