It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To

July 24th to July 25th is only a mere 24 hours. 24 hours shouldn't make that much of an impact on my life, after all it's only 1 day. However, for me it meant going from age 26 to age 27. Or in my mind going from my mid 20's to my late 20's. It has been an extremely rough day for me. 27 is the loneliest number. I always pictured that by 27 I would be married and have a child or 2. And why not? Many of my peers do, it wasn't wrong for me to presume I would follow suit. But here I sit single and dare I say lonely? I hate using that word-lonely- there's such a negative connotation that goes with it. For me it falls into the category of weakness or vulnerability. But that is how I feel and I shouldn't be ashamed to voice it. In fact when people ask me about being single I almost feel like I have to apologize to them for it. Umm sorry I haven't met the right person. Sorry I haven't started a family. Sorry I'm still just taking care of myself. Sorry, sorry, sorry... It's human nature to desire companionship and love. Many genres of music, television, and books all depict this innate human need to show love and be loved in return. In fact according to The Beatles "All You Need Is Love." It isn't wrong of me to want this too. Thankfully I am a fiercely independent person. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed to be in order for me to continue on without getting discouraged. Most days I'm okay with it and I try my best to cherish my "single" moments. The moments I know I would miss if I was settled down with a family. I'm one that has to have alone time in order to stay sane and not go bat shit crazy. I enjoy spending time with myself. I have no qualms about going to movies by myself or other things. I thoroughly enjoy my own company. That being said it doesn't mean that I don't struggle with being single at times or that I am afraid that I'm not progressing. So, today I can be sad because "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" but tomorrow I will hold my head high and continue to look to the future with faith and optimism.            

Wasted Time

Music has a powerful way of recalling memories vividly; to the point that you can almost see, smell and feel everything. Currently my theme song is "Wasted Time" by Keith Urban. My favorite line is "Ain't it funny how the best days of my life was all that wasted time." This summer has been a much-needed change. When it first started out I wasn't certain of my future plans. I knew that something needed to give, but I wasn't sure what exactly that would entail. Life has a funny way of working itself out just when you start to think it never will. One of the greatest things about this summer is that I haven't had much of a daily schedule. It has been nice to be able to relax and accomplish things on my time. This was a major adjustment for me (the scheduler that I am) to be okay with. It goes back to feeling shame for being human and NEEDING to slow down and recuperate. I thought, "Ain't nobody got time for that." But for the first time since I can remember I did have time for that and more importantly I needed to make time for it. It's amazing how when you strip away the feelings of shame how much relief you can feel. It can completely change your outlook on life. So, I went from viewing my time as being "wasted" to view it as time to "heal." Don't want to do my hair today? Great! Don't want to do my makeup either? Even better! Don't worry I still shower. haha! And most days I do wear makeup and style my hair but the point is that I don't have to. It isn't always necessary and I don't need to feel guilty if I don't get ready that day :) I'm feeling more and more like myself again. I don't think I even realized how depressed I had been until things started to change. The end of June I interviewed for a job in Salt Lake and when I walked out of the interview I felt a great sense of hope. Something I didn't realize until that moment, had been seriously lacking in my life. It felt amazing and a little foreign. Now here I am a month later preparing to move to Salt Lake in August to start this new career. I have accepted  a Teaching position and Case Manager position through Salt Lake Community Action Program (Salt Lake CAP). I will be a Lead Teacher for their Head Start program and I will be working one-on-one with these children and their families in their home. I will provide assessments and resources where needed. I saw my classroom for the first time a few weeks ago, and I got so ridiculously excited! Everything has just fallen into place including a good ward (Which Juju is in), housing, furniture (Thanks Emma), and a roommate. I will be living with a former mission companion McKenna Jewell. We loved being companions and get along great! I will also be living a lot closer to friends and family. Regrettably, summer is nearly over, but I'm looking forward to what fall has in store for me.

Here are just a few snapshots of what my summer has looked like:

Took the niece and nephews to "Finding Dory"

and swimming

met my new niece Emma

and Kaylee

Went to Bear Lake for Katie's 25th

Hiked Cascade Falls

My cute little classroom

Goodbye Idaho it Has Been Great, But Utah is Calling And I Must Go

Goodbyes are not my favorite. In fact they rank quite low on my list; somewhere between sunburnt shoulders and crying in public.This past week I have had several goodbyes. Goodbye to seeing my extended family on a regular basis, goodbye to amazing shopping, goodbye to co-workers, and goodbye to clients who have become quite dear to my heart. In fact one client in particular starting bawling when I told her I was leaving. Which was quite a feat because for the past 2 years we have been working on showing empathy and emotions. So, you can imagine my surprise when she was distraught over my leaving. I will admit I was emotional about leaving her as well. It's funny how they tell you not to get attached, but somehow you find yourself doing it anyway. It's a beautiful thing when a career and a passion come together. However, for some time now I've known that I needed to leave Idaho. I understand that it's selfish on my part- putting my needs before anything else. I also know, that in order for me to live a full life I had to leave. Again not because I hated my life there (because I didn't), but because I was only surviving. I'm about to get quite real here so if you aren't ready for that now is the time to stop reading. And trust me I won't be offended at all. This post is not intended to be a "Woe is me" "Feel bad and pity Jody" post, but to be completely honest and open about things. For me to get onto paper what is going on in my life, so I can somehow make sense of it all. Fact: I have been struggling with depression for over 2 years. Fact: I have been on medication for it. Fact: Lately, I feel like I don't want to exist. Not in the "hide the razor blades and be careful what you say to me" way. But in the "I'm exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally type of way." Yes, I get that life is hard and it is intended to be that way. But this extends to more than that. It extends to "I can't do this anymore, life has lost it's meaning, I'm numb emotionally" type of way. Deep down I knew that if I didn't change something in my life, that I wouldn't find motivation to accomplish much more. This coming from a head-strong, I know what I want, life is incredible, person. It's hard when others acknowledge that I'm not who I used to be anymore- that I've lost my enthusiasm for life. The hardest part of that being is that I know it's all true. I miss the happy-go-lucky person that I was- and that I know I can be again. So, that is the main reason I moved back to Utah. I need to be around people who love and support me. I need to be around others that help bring out the real me because she is worth fighting for. So, what's next? I moved home to Cedar City on Wednesday. The plan is to complete my teaching certificate this summer and enjoy spending time with my family. Right now I'm taking everything in stride and trying to live by this quote-


I'm going to miss these humans

especially this one... He has been my rock and has gotten me through some tough times.

Turning Home

Confession: I have become the worst at making decisions. Seriously, I'm awful at it. What used to be a strength has now become a weakness. I no longer have my life mapped out like I used to. It's equally terrifying and confusing. I flip-flop every 2 seconds and am unsure about a lot of things.

Living Arrangements: I've now been in Idaho for 2 years. Isn't that crazy? And I've moved around several times since I've been here. I've lived in Caldwell, Meridian, North Boise, Nampa, and then back to Caldwell and Meridian. Yes, all of that in 2 short years. I've become an expert packer and minimalist- so that's something! In fact for the last month all of my stuff has been in a storage unit, and I've been living out of 2 suitcases.

Career: I LOVE my occupation and to be perfectly honest, I'm quite fantastic at it. I pour my heart and soul into my clients and MOST days it is very rewarding. Working for a counseling agency and my placement at Gateways Elementary has been a perfect fit. One of my main purposes in life is to be an advocate for children. "People would do better if they knew better," and that's where I come in. I'm assisting children who haven't been taught better or at times have been cast aside and given up on. I thrive at my job (probably because I'm good at telling others how to live their lives). Haha!

Church Callings: The entire time I've been here I've held some sort of calling in Relief Society. I am currently the Relief Society President in my YSA ward. I. love. it. It has been such a joy getting to know the sisters and hearing their stories. The cheesy cliché we hear repeatedly, "I love all of you even if I don't know you very well," is in fact true. It comes with the calling.  Heavenly Father allows us to feel a glimpse of what He feels for them. It's actually quite remarkable.

Social/Dating: Have I dated? Yes. Have any of them worked out? Yes, exactly how they needed to... which is why I'm still single :)  I am a firm believer that you learn something invaluable from every relationship, and I can honestly say that has happened. Friendships have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I've made several dear friends that I know I will always keep in touch with. We've laughed uncontrollably and have had many adventures. On the flip side I've struggled with friendships in the last 2 years more than I ever have before. Part of this is because BSU doesn't mix well with my beloved Utah State Aggies :)

Family: Growing up in Southern Utah I maybe saw the extended family a few times a year. Most family vacations consisted of visiting Idaho and seeing the cousins, but I didn't have the frequent contact that I currently have. It has been great spending a lot of time with my aunt, uncles, and cousins. However, my immediate family is a long, dull 600 miles away.

Reoccurring Thoughts: Am I progressing? Am I too comfortable with my life? If I don't leave now will I ever? Is it time for me to move on? Do I see myself in Idaho for the rest of my life? Though, I may be confused on a lot of other things; the answer to the last question is a resounding NO! I've always known that I will eventually be back in Utah. Not because I can't live far from home nor do I hate my life in Idaho; but because Utah (Cache Valley more specifically) is where I belong. They are my people and I am myself there. So, I've made the decision to turn home. Frankly, I'm freaking out that I'm quitting my job (that I LOVE) and leaving without one. But, I know it's what needs to happen...So, ready or not, here I go!